


Trees And Firewhiskey

by padfootagain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Friendship, Marauders, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 14:42:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: When Sirius reveals Remus’s secret to Severus Snape, he has to face the consequences of his actions. Will the Marauders’ friendship be strong enough to overcome Sirius’s mistake?





	1. Mistake

It was burning his throat, the feeling of firewhiskey rolling upon his tongue and through his body.

It was burning his cheeks, the feeling of the cold wind hitting his face.

It was burning his fingers, the feeling of the frozen bottle against his skin.

Sirius was burning. He was burning inside and out. He was burning with so much pain and anger, he had done so for years. He was like a bomb about to explode.

Knowing James, Remus and Peter had slowed down his fall to hell. But it had only slowed it down.

Here, his parents had crossed a line they shouldn’t have crossed. They had broken the last piece of sanity he had left after all he had endured because of them. It had been their purpose for years, to break him. If they couldn’t turn him into a good little pureblood, then they would break him into pieces.

Looked like they had finally won.

He crossed his arms upon the window frame, and rested his chin on his arms, watching the school covered with white snow. He knew he should have closed the window, thus protecting himself from the cold weather of February. But somehow, the stinging sensation of the cold on his face made him feel alive. And he needed to feel alive again…

For years he had resisted. Resisted to the violence, resisted to the insults, resisted to the shouts, resisted to their crazy beliefs, resisted to their mantra, resisted to everything they had thrown upon him to make him bend and finally yield to the Black family’s ways. But he had never given up, and his will had never flinched despite the beatings and the curses and all the hate that was thrown at his face.

But this time he couldn’t take it.

This time his friends were not enough.

This time he was broken.

He didn’t know how to get out of this, how to avoid what seemed so inevitable, how to survive this.

He had always thought that who he chose to love was the only thing upon which he had control. Somehow, he had always thought that it would be what would save him in the end, this freedom to choose a life for himself once he would be out of Hogwarts, this freedom to love who he would have chosen.

But it looked like his parents had other things in mind. And this time he didn’t know how to run away from this.

He knew how to heal his wounds alone, he had learned how to ignore Walburga’s voice, he had realized that being loved by his friends was enough for now, and that knowing real love once in his life would end to save his soul.

What now that his parents wanted to force him to marry a girl he didn’t even know?

There was a photo going with the letter his parents had sent him and that he had received that very morning.

A blond girl that was dressed like she lived in the 19th century, and who seemed to never smile.

But she was a pureblood of course, and to his parents it was enough.

Did they care about the fact that he loved girls who always smiled and laughed? Did they care that he would never judge anyone by his blood? Did they care about him being happy?

Obviously the answer to all these questions was no.

What was important was to honour the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

What a joke…

How could he escape from this? How could he escape from _her_?

For now, alcohol was all he could find.

It wasn’t enough to make him forget, but it slowed down his thoughts. It slowed down his rushing heart, it slowed down his rushing head that kept searching for a solution when he knew there was none.

It didn’t make the fear disappear, but it calmed him down. It didn’t make the pain vanish but it eased his sorrow. And for now it was the best he had.

He couldn’t go see James or Remus this time. How could they help him? They couldn’t do miracles after all. Plus, it was the night of the full moon. They had more important things to do than taking care of him. He would simply not come that night for Moony’s transformation, but he knew the boy would forgive him. He always forgave him after all…

A strange sound emanated from the pocket of his robes, and he recognized the hushed voice of his best friend calling for him. He wanted Sirius to join him to head for the Shrieking Shack. But instead of taking the two-way mirror out of his pocket and answer, Sirius merely ignored his friend’s call, and looked outside again as he hoped James would not find him in this deserted corridor.

He drank a new gulp of alcohol.

And everything was blurred again.

The burn running down his throat.

The cold wind blowing against his cheeks.

The sun setting and shedding a golden light upon the world.

The Whomping Willow softly swaying.

The snow covering the quiet school.

He tried to look up at the sky, but his balance failed him and he fell backwards, hitting his head against the stone ground.

He moaned loudly, sitting up again, rubbing the back of his head to ease the pain.

A little laugh echoed throughout the corridor, and Sirius turned towards the source of the chuckle.

He glared at Snape as the Slytherin walked closer to him.

“What do you want, Snivellus?” Sirius snapped. “A brand new bottle of shampoo?”

“Very funny,” Snape gave him a bitter smile. “You look miserable, Black. What happened? You got lost and now you’re scared of the dark?”

“Why don’t you rather turn around and get the fuck out of here?”

“And miss such a sweet sight as the flamboyant Sirius Black being nothing than a drunk crawling on the ground, I think not.”

“I swear, Snape… if you don’t get out of here now I’ll curse you so hard you’ll never be able to walk again.”

“You’re too drunk to do that anyway.”

“Try me.”

Sirius finally managed to stand up again, staggering backwards until his back rested against the wall.

Snape laughed a content laugh again.

“What’s all the drama, Black? Can’t stand on your feet?”

“Why do I feel like you won’t play it so casual the next time I see you when I’m _not_ drunk?” Sirius snapped, a dark glint alit in his grey eyes.

“But for now you’re drunk.”

And Snape’s cunning mind saw then an opportunity that had been denied to him before. It was the full moon, and he was certain that his theory about Lupin’s strange behaviour was correct. And having one of his best friends drunk and vulnerable was a chance he couldn’t miss.

“Where are you friends anyway, Black? They’ve abandoned you?” he asked, his tone still teasing, although he focused on Sirius’s reactions now, trying to read through him.

“I wanted to be alone, so I could get as drunk as I’d like,” Sirius replied. “But as always you’re using your natural talent to spoil all good moments, Snivellus.”

“What about Lupin?”

“What about him?”

“Where is he? I know he’s not with his mother, that’s just a fake excuse. Where is he?”

“Why don’t you go away and try to answer this riddle alone? While I stay here and finish this wonderful bottle of firewhiskey.”

As if to prove a point Sirius drank up again, taking several long gulps of alcohol in a row.

And as his head spun very fast, and he almost crumble to the ground, he realized that he might have drunk a bit too much after all…

“Black? Where is he? What’s his secret?”

“Fuck off… you… you greasy… greasy git…”

Sirius let himself fall down to the ground, leaning against the wall to slow down his fall.

His head was spinning way too fast for him to keep standing now.

“Come on, Black,” Snape insisted, seeing Sirius’s will falter. “Come on, where is he? He’s a werewolf, right? That’s why he’s gone once a month?”

“Fuck…”

But Sirius was too weak to end his sentence. And instead of trying to shake himself, he drank on more gulp.

He was just starting to forget how much he was in pain…

“Black? Lupin’s a werewolf, right? Where did he go?”

Sirius started to laugh. A crazy, drunk laugh. He wasn’t himself anymore, not really. He was too drunk to think properly, if you had asked him his name, he would have probably needed a while before answering you.

And alcohol often had terrible consequences.

“You know… what, Snivellus?” Sirius said, still laughing. “Why don’t… don’t… you go see by yourself, eh?”

He pointed at the window before him.

“All you have…”

He stopped, his body shaken by a hiccup, and Snape patiently waited for Sirius to go on.

“…to do,” Sirius resumed, “is go to the Willow.”

“The Whomping Willow?”

“Yep, exactly. You push… on the… the strange root that…”

He hiccupped several times again.

“The root that looks… like a nod… and pouf! Magic happens and you’ll… know… know everything.”

He heard the sound of James’s voice coming from his pocket one more time, and he forced himself to stand again.

“Sorry, Snivellus… ‘Gotta go now.”

He walked down the corridor, an amused smile on his face, leaning against the wall to keep his balance.

And behind him, a wicked smile had formed on Snape’s face.

———————————————————————————————————-

James was nervously pacing, his eyes coming back and forth from his watch to the door of the dorms.

Sirius was late. The sun was already setting, the golden light turning red already as the sky slowly changed its colours in favour of a light shade of purple, that announced the approach of the night.

He hoped Sirius had a good reason for being so late for Remus’s transformation…

“Look, perhaps we should head there and he’ll join us,” Peter proposed, still lying on his bed.

“Yeah…” James mumbled.

They had never missed a full moon. Since the three of them were Animagi, they had always walked together to the Whomping Willow, and transformed in the tunnel, and helped their friend through his transformation. But now Sirius was missing.

The truth was, James was not angry. He was worried. He had seen the writing on the letter Sirius had received that morning, and he had recognized his mother’s handwriting in a second.

And Merlin only knew what Sirius’s parents could want from their son…

Sirius hadn’t read the letter before his friends, he had waited to be alone to tore the paper of the envelope apart, and read his parents’ message. He hadn’t spoken a word about it to any of his friends. And James was afraid he could have done something stupid out of sorrow.

He wasn’t waiting for him so he could scream his lungs out, he was waiting to make sure that Sirius was fine.

“I’ll go wait with Remus,” Peter decided. “You’ll join us, okay? I’m tired of waiting for Padfoot.”

James nodded, letting his friend walk out of the room, before resuming his pacing around the dorm.

And of course Sirius had taken the Map with him, so James couldn’t go check on him because he had no idea where he was. The clever devil…

When the door opened behind him, James couldn’t help but jump.

He heaved a sigh of relief at the sight of his best friend.

“Bloody Hell, Padfoot!” he growled. “Do you know what time…”

But then he noticed the bottle of alcohol in the boy’s hand, and the dark marks under his reddened eyes. He watched in silence as Sirius staggered further into the room until he could finally reach his bed an let himself fall upon the soft mattress with a groan.

James walked slowly to him.

“Pads, what have you done?”

But his voice was soft now, and when Sirius looked up at him, drinking another gulp of firewhiskey, he could see sadness in his hazel eyes.

“I just… decided to have a little party on my own,” Sirius answered, his voice made hoarse by alcohol.

He lifted up the bottle towards his lips again, but James stopped him.

“I think you had enough of that for tonight,” he said, taking the bottle from Sirius and putting it in his trunk.

“Nice…”

“Pads, what’s going on?”

“None of your business.”

“Really? You’re going to play this little game with me?”

Sirius heaved a sigh, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to slow down his spinning head.

“You can’t help me this time, Prongs,” he said. “So no need to give me these sad eyes.”

“We’re best friends. You’re like a brother to me. Of course I can help, Sirius,” James replied.

James heaved a sigh as his friend remained silent, and he turned towards the window. Outside, the sky was darkening more and more every second.

“Look, Pads,” James said slowly, turning towards his friend again. “I need to go help Moony. Stay here tonight, we’ll talk about this tomorrow morning, okay?”

Sirius started to uncontrollably chuckle, and he sat up.

“I have to go there with you,” he said, still laughing.

“You’re completely drunk. I can’t handle both Moony and you.”

“I have to see his face when he’ll see…”

But his voice broke as he was shaken by a wave of laughter.

James narrowed his eyes, his heart beating faster. Something was wrong…

“What are you talking about?” he asked his laughing friend.

“Snape…” Sirius said, trying to calm down, but he had too much alcohol in his veins to control himself. “I came across Snape when I was drinking and… he asked lots of question about Moony so I told… him how to get through the Whomping Willow.”

He stopped, laughing so much he was crying, holding his painful side.

James was frozen, growing paler and paler…

“Can you imagine his face when he’ll see Moony as a wolf?” Sirius went on.

But James wasn’t laughing, he wasn’t laughing at all. He grabbed the boy by the shoulders, and his stare was so full of fears that Sirius immediately stopped laughing.

“Sirius… tell me you didn’t do that,” James breathed. “Tell me you’re joking.”

“Relax, Prongs!” Sirius replied. “He’ll just be a bit scared… that’ll teach him a lesson.”

“Sirius are you out of your mind?!” James shouted. “He’ll know for Remus, he’ll try to make him get expelled!”

Sirius didn’t reply, looking intensely at his friend.

“For Merlin’s sake, Sirius!” James went on, still shouting, shaking his friend as if he tried to wake him up. “Do you realize how dangerous it is? What if Remus bites him? What if Remus _kills_ him?”

James suddenly released him, taking a step back.

And when Sirius saw the look of disgust and disappointment and pain in his brother’s eyes, a tear rolled down his cheek.

“I didn’t think about that…” he admitted in a breathy whisper.

“No, I guess you didn’t!” James spat.

He shook his head, before hurrying towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked, his voice shaken by panic as he suddenly realized what he had done.

“I’ll try to repair what you’re breaking,” James shouted bitterly over his shoulder, as he slammed the door behind him.

Sirius was left alone, sitting there, on his bed.

He was crying. The salty tears kept on escaping his grey eyes, rolling down his cheek, before falling on his knees. He didn’t seem to be able to control them. Perhaps it was because of the alcohol. Perhaps it was because of the letter he had received from his parents. Perhaps it was because he was starting to realize that he had endangered his friend by telling Snape how to reach the Shrieking Shack. Perhaps it was the look James had thrown at him, and all the anger in his voice. Perhaps it was because he was afraid of what could happen to Remus now by his fault.

Perhaps it was a bit of all these reasons that caused him to sob.

Maybe he had done a mistake this time…


	2. Fight For Life

James didn’t have a second to lose. Peter was alone with Remus for now, and he clearly wouldn’t be able to do anything to protect Snape. Protect Snape… James had never thought that he could ever think or say these words.

But as he ran down across the grass, hurrying towards the Whomping Willow, the truth was that he didn’t care much for Snape’s security. It was Remus he was worried about. The poor boy would never forgive himself if anything happened to Snape because of him.

He could see a shape there, before the tree, trying to go pass the dangerous branches.

It was now or never.

“SNAPE!” he called, running as fast as he could.

He ignored his burning lungs and sore legs. He ignored the fact that he hated the boy he was about to help. There was too much fear in his system to care about such things.

The Slytherin boy turned around towards James, but only tried again to pass through the branches.

James had to stop him. He had to stop Snape from entering the tunnel. He couldn’t see James as a stag, the little piece of shit would report him to Dumbledore and James could be expelled, or worse. As an unregistered Animagus, he could be sent to Azkaban.

He really couldn’t understand the law sometimes…

But it was not the right time for such thoughts, and James kept on running towards Snape.

But the Slytherin finally had an idea…

James saw him pointing his wand at the tree, and it suddenly stood still.

He had immobilized it… James cursed under his breath. The next second, Snape was running towards the Willow, kneeling on the ground in search of the passage.

And he quickly found it.

He hurried inside before James could reach him. It was dark and wet. The mud under his feet was slippery. He lit up the tip of his wand to avoid falling to the ground. He could hear James’s footsteps hurrying behind him, but for whatever reason, he had stopped calling his name. There was no other sound that could be heard, the night was peaceful.

Snape arrived to some kind of hatch, and he slowly opened it, just enough to see what was inside.

And when he guessed the furry form in the dark, his eyes grew very wide.

But then there was a pair of hands on his shoulders that pulled him down, and the hatch closed again while Severus was falling to the ground. He glared at the Gryffindor.

“Po…!”

But James put his hand on his lips, shushing the Slytherin boy.

And it was the first time Snape saw fear in James’s eyes.

James nodded towards the tunnel and put a finger on his own lips, begging Snape to remain quiet.

If Remus heard them, they were both dead.

“Potter…” Snape hissed in a whisper.

“Stay quiet,” James ordered, pulling up Snape to put him back in his feet.

“I’ll tell everything to Dumbledore.”

“Good idea. Now let’s go before you get us both killed.”

“Potter…”

“Shut the fuck up and move.”

But then there was some movement above their heads, and James recognized the loud noise of the wolf sniffing.

He had smelled them…

“Run,” James ordered.

And just as the word passed his lips, Remus howled and started to frantically fight against the hatch.

James grabbed Snape once more and forced him down the tunnel. They were both running now, and the Slytherin seemed to be scared enough by now to run on his own, without James dragging him towards the Willow.

The wood of the hatch behind them dangerously cracked.

Snape tripped on a root and fell on the muddy ground.

James turned around.

He could see two eyes glimmering in the dark…

The wolf grunted softly, and James could see the shining orbs advancing slowly towards them.

Snape got back on his feet, but remained frozen before the two shining circles that slowly approached them.

James grabbed Snape’s arm.

And in his head he got ready for the run that would either kill both of them, either save them.

Three, two, one…

“RUN!”

The two boys ran as fast as they could again, and they heard the wolf growling behind them. And then the sound of Remus’s strong paws hitting the wet ground. And just by listening at the sound, James knew he was closing on them…

They reached the entry of the tunnel and quickly crawled out of it.

Before he could realize what was happening, James felt a pair of hands helping him up.

He stared into Sirius’s grey eyes for a few seconds.

“Go with Snape,” Sirius said. “I’ll hold him off.”

“You’re drunk,” James protested.

“I’m the one who fucked up. Take Snape and go.”

James nodded slowly, and he grabbed the Slytherin by the arm again, dragging him away from the tree.

He turned around to see his best friend disappearing inside the passage, and he guessed that he had transformed the second he was out of sight.

And then there were howls and barks and roars and cries full of pain that filled the air.

And now, it was for Sirius that James was afraid.

Remus had been on the hunt, and now Sirius was fighting him alone. James knew the werewolf would be more violent than usual after his chase after the two boys.

He had to go back and help Sirius control the wolf…

He stopped once Snape and he had almost reached the Castle.

“I need to go help, Sirius,” he told Snape. “You’re safe now.”

“I’m going to report all this to the Headmaster and make sure that this monster and you all are expelled!” Snape roared.

“Right, do that then,” James spat. “No need to thank me and Sirius for saving your stupid life.”

“Sirius is the one who told me about the Willow, you know?”

James could see a wicked glint shine in Snape’s eyes at the thought of messing with the Marauders’ friendship.

“Go now, or I’m the one who’s going to kill you,” James snapped, turning back towards the grounds.

He ran for a while, making sure that he was far enough from the Castle not to be seen as he would change form. In the distance, he could still hear the sound of the battle that raged between Sirius and Remus.

He changed into his Animagus form quickly, running much faster now. When he arrived, Sirius was still trying to push away Remus back into the tunnel. He had managed to keep the werewolf near the tree, although he seemed to struggle more and more. Paying more attention to his friend, James noticed that the black dog was limping, and he hurried by his side.

Now two against the werewolf, they managed to force Remus back into the tunnel. Now that Snape was away, it seemed that he had calmed down a bit, and soon he stopped fighting against Sirius and James as they guided him through the tunnel back to the Shrieking Shack.

They sent Peter to repair the Hatch while they forced Remus to remain in a one of the empty bedrooms upstairs.

Sirius lied down on the dusty ground, his leg leaving blood on the floor. The dog let out a little cry of pain, before resting his head on his paws, waiting for Peter to come back so that they could leave Remus alone for the rest of the night.

Next to him, the stag was pacing through the room, lowering his antlers before Remus in a threatening way whenever the wolf growled a bit too violently.

The truth was, James was furious against Sirius.

The night was far from over when Peter arrived, the little rat running into the room, but they had to leave Remus for the night. They didn’t have a choice. There was much more important things to deal with.

Snape had undoubtedly woken up Dumbledore to tell him everything that had happened. And Remus could be expelled, and Sirius as well.

James could lose his two best friends in just one night and the mere thought made him want to cry.

So they left Remus behind in the Shrieking Shack, and made sure that they were at a safe distance from the werewolf before turning into their human forms again.

Sirius immediately fell on the grass, now made wet by the cold air of the night.

“Padfoot!” Peter shrieked in fear.

The boy was groaning loudly, holding his bleeding limb.

“What happened in there anyway?” Peter asked James while the boy was picking up his wand and trying to heal Sirius’s leg, at least enough for him to walk. “What was Snape doing there? I mean… I’m just a rat, there was nothing I could do, except making sure that none of you was crushed by this psychopathic tree…”

“Ask him,” James snapped, nodding towards the wounded boy.

“James…” Sirius breathed pleadingly.

But he winced hard as James was partially closing his wound.

“This should be enough for you to walk,” James said, standing up again.

“Thanks,” Sirius breathed.

“This will take a while to heal,” Peter said, helping Sirius to get back on his feet. “Moony went hard on you.”

“We need to go to Dumbledore’s office. Snape must have told him everything by now already,” James said, starting towards the school already.

“James, wait…” Sirius called after his friend, hurrying behind him despite his limp.

“If Dumbledore asks, we got rid of Remus using shielding spells and a few curses, but nothing more. Not a word about Animagi, Snape didn’t see us transform,” James went on, ignoring his best friend. “Wormtail, go back to the dorms. Snivellus didn’t see you out there, no need to get you in troubles too.”

“James, please…” Sirius went on. “Listen for a second…”

They were walking into the Entrance Hall now, aiming for the stairs.

“We must hurry. Before Dumbledore takes any decision,” James added.

“James, I’m so sorry…”

The boy finally spun around. He was glaring at Sirius with so much rage, the boy had never seen his friend like this.

And there was again this look of hatred and disappointment that pierced Sirius’s heart…

“You’re such a fucking jerk…” James spat.

And before Sirius could reply, James had punched him hard on the face.

He fell backwards on the hard stone, his head colliding with the floor with a loud thud.

When James fell upon him, punching him again, he didn’t even try to defend himself. He was too much in pain for that. And he reckoned he deserved it anyway.

“You bastard!” James roared, grabbing Sirius by the collar and violently shaking him. “Do you realize what you’ve done? Snape could have been killed, Remus could be expelled, _you_ could be expelled! What happened in your fucking head!?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, James.”

James looked down at his best friend. His lip was bleeding and the skin around his right eye was already darkening because of James’s punches. And the boy didn’t feel better now that he had hit Sirius on the face. On the contrary, he felt worse than before.

He stood up, turning towards Peter, who was holding his wand in his hand, ready to stop his friends in case things were getting out of control.

“Go back to the dorm, Wormtail,” he breathed, walking towards the stairs.

He knew Peter had helped Sirius to get back on his feet. He knew Sirius was struggling to keep his balance at first, and Peter helped him to walk further through the Hall. He knew Sirius finally let go of Peter’s shoulder, limping behind him. He knew the boy was silently crying. He knew Sirius had barely enough strength to walk up the stairs. But he didn’t turn around to help him.

He didn’t want Sirius to see that he was crying too.

They walked to Dumbledore’s office in silence, Sirius still hurrying behind James, still crying but no sound of his falling tears could be heard through the deserted corridors. The salty droplets were falling by themselves without him being able to control them, but they were silent like snowflakes falling upon his hand. He dried his face when they arrived before the Headmaster’s office, and when James turned towards him again, his cheeks were not wet anymore, and there was no trace of his crying, except for his reddened eyes.

“We stick to the magic and spells about Remus, okay?” James said, his voice cold and sharp as a blade.

Sirius merely nodded.

As they climbed up the stairs, they could hear the sound of voices arguing.

They recognized the two Wizards in a second. Snape was still in Dumbledore’s office.

“How can you!?” Snape was shouting.

“Severus, calm down.”

James knocked on the door, that magically opened before he could lower his arm.

“James, Sirius, come inside,” the Headmaster invited them, although his voice was not quite welcoming.

James noticed that Sirius was carefully hiding his torn trousers with his robe, trying not to limp too much despite the pain.

“Severus here has told me about your adventure of the night,” he said, but then he seemed to notice Sirius’s bruised face, and he seemed afraid all of a sudden. “Were you hurt?”

“No, professor,” Sirius shook his head. “I tripped on a root. I fell on my knee and… I hurt my face as well.”

The elder wizard nodded slowly, and James and Sirius exchanged a glance. Despite his anger against his best friend, James couldn’t help but feel grateful that he hadn’t told Dumbledore about their little fight.

“Severus says that you revealed to him where to find Mr. Lupin, Sirius,” Dumbledore said, and Sirius immediately lowered his head, looking down at his feet.

He felt so ashamed…

“Is that true?” Dumbledore asked.

Sirius nodded slowly. There was no point in lying…

“Why would you do such thing, Sirius?”

But the boy merely shrugged.

“He was drunk, professor,” Snape said. “He was drinking firewhiskey in the corridor.”

The two Gryffindors glowered at the Slytherin.

“Is that true, Sirius?” Dumbledore asked.

Sirius nodded again.

“Sirius, look at me.”

The boy took a deep breath, before rising his eyes until they met the electric blue stare of Dumbledore’s.

“What did you do after that?”

“I went back to the dorms,” Sirius said truthfully.

“And you talked to James about what you had done?”

Sirius nodded.

“And I guess that James had the sanity to realize you had made a huge mistake,” Dumbledore added, looking at James now.

The boy nodded.

“I went to the Whomping Willow straight away.”

“And you helped Severus running away,” Dumbledore nodded, “and Sirius joined you.”

The two boys nodded.

“And I guess that if you two are here, Mr. Lupin is safely back in the Shack.”

“He is, professor,” James nodded.

“How did you manage to bring him back?”

“Shielding spells, a few curses…” James answered elusively.

Dumbledore nodded slowly.

“James and Severus, you can go back to sleep now,” the Headmaster said softly. “Sirius and I will have a little talk, just the two of us.”

“What about Remus?” James asked, fear shining in his hazel eyes again.

“You’re not going to expel him, are you?” Sirius asked, panicked. “It’s all my fault, and only mine. If someone must get expelled because of what happened tonight, it’s me, and only me.”

James stared at his best friend. He tried to look at him with rage really… but he could only feel sadness at the idea of Sirius leaving Hogwarts.

Besides the fact that James wouldn’t see him in Hogwarts anymore, he wondered what would happen to him then. Would he be forced to live with his parents all year long? James couldn’t imagine how Sirius could survive something like this…

“Mr. Lupin will not get expelled, and Mr. Snape will talk to no one about what he learnt tonight,” Dumbledore said. “Now, you two go back to bed.”

“But… professor… ” Snape tried to protest.

But Dumbledore glared at him, and Snape immediately fell silent, and he and James walked out of the Headmaster’s office.

“Sit down, Sirius,” he told the boy.

His voice was colder than usual, although his tone was calm and still comforting.

Sirius felt tears coming back to his eyes.

He was sure to be expelled… and then what would happen?

“Why did you tell Severus about Remus?” Dumbledore asked bluntly.

Sirius tried hard to look away from the Headmaster, but his blue eyes were too intense to let him escape.

“I… I don’t really know,” Sirius shrugged.

“You are not stupid, Sirius, I know you are not. Why would you do something like that?”

Sirius hesitated, but Dumbledore heaved a sigh.

“I reckon that you’re in enough trouble already, Sirius,” he said softly. “Now, tell me everything.”

Sirius struggled to swallow, his throat tightened with the feelings bubbling in his chest. He was sad, and afraid, and in pain, and ashamed, and guilty, and desperate…

He hated himself now. But he knew he had no choice but to tell Dumbledore the truth.

“I was drunk,” Sirius said slowly. “I was very drunk. I was not fully aware of what I was doing. And then… then Snape walked into the corridor and he started to laugh at me and he asked lots of questions about Remus and he asked if he was a werewolf and…”

Sirius shrugged.

“I don’t know, I just told him to go check his theory himself. I’m sorry, professor. I didn’t think about what would happen. I didn’t think about how dangerous it was for Remus. I didn’t think about anything really… I was too drunk for that.”

“And now that you are less drunk, do you realize what could have happened?”

Sirius nodded slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius breathed.

“It’s not to me that you owe an apology. You owe one to Mr. Lupin more than anyone else.”

Sirius nodded.

“Am I going to be expelled?” Sirius asked softly.

But Dumbledore ignored his question.

“Why did you drink so much?”

Sirius froze.

“Were you trying to run away from something? To forget something?”

Sirius clenched his jaw.

“You have to tell me, Sirius,” Dumbledore told the boy, his voice reassuring. “I need to know why one of my students drank so much alcohol that he almost got several students killed, including himself, and another expelled.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, and he merely reached for a piece of parchment in the pocket of his robes.

He handed his parents’ letter to Dumbledore, a sheepish expression on his face. Dumbledore read slowly the note, and Sirius seized the occasion to free his glance from the elder wizard’s eyes, and he looked down at his feet.

“When did you receive this?” Dumbledore finally asked once he had read the letter twice.

“This morning.”

There was a short silence, while Sirius was gathering his strengths to speak again.

“I… I don’t know how to get out of that this time,” he said. “This time I have no idea how to find a way not to obey.”

“So you drank?”

“I never said I had been particularly clever.”

Dumbledore handed the letter back to the boy.

“No one can force you to do such thing as marrying someone you don’t love,” the Headmaster said slowly.

“Clearly, you’ve never met my parents.”

“I have. They are horrid people.”

Sirius smiled, for the first time of the evening.

“They are,” he nodded.

“You are not alone, Sirius,” Dumbledore said slowly, his voice warm and comforting now. “Your friends are here, Professor McGonagall is here, I am here…”

“I don’t see how you could help…”

“I could go talk to your parents.”

But Sirius shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll find something. I’ve always found something so far…”

Sirius looked up at Dumbledore again.

“So… am I expelled?”

But Dumbledore shook his head.

“I don’t reckon that sending you to your parents’ would be a good idea,” the Headmaster said softly. “But what you did tonight was extremely stupid and dangerous. But… I know you are not an evil person, and I believe you when you say that you meant no harm to come to Mr. Lupin. Although… a man can only give one second chance, Sirius.”

The boy smiled again.

“Thank you,” he said, his throat tight with rising tears.

“There won’t be another warning,” Dumbledore said again.

Sirius nodded.

“Now, you will have detentions, lots of it,” Dumbledore added. “But for now, you should go to see Mrs. Pomfrey, so that she can heal this face and knee of yours.”

Sirius nodded again and rose, walking towards the door.

“Sirius,” Dumbledore called again, and the boy turned towards him, his hand already resting on the doorknob. “When we see no way to escape through the maze we are stuck into, the only way out is to ask for help.”

Sirius nodded, and opened the door.

The second he disappeared, Dumbledore stood up, and he headed for the chimney, taking some Floo Powder in his hand. He stood in the hearth, and threw the powder at his feet, speaking the address in a clear voice.

“12 Grimmauld Place.”


	3. Words You Can't Take Back

When he woke up, Remus was weary. He was even more exhausted than usual. He felt like he had been hit by bludgers all night long. His limbs were both numb and unbearably painful. His breathing was heavy. His mind was a blur mess. He couldn’t remember anything about the previous night.

Although, this oblivion was not unusual. Most of the time, he couldn’t remember anything that happened the night of the full moon. His transformation was too complete, and left him with no sense of who he was. And when he became Remus again, he couldn’t remember what the wolf had done. He had never gotten fully used to these two elements that shared his soul.

Although sometimes he had brief flashes, feelings, intuitions that remained. And he had this kind of vague emotions now.

The moist earth under his paws. The rush of his heart as he ran. Pain. And the smell of blood.

The last element made him tremble.

He had always protested at the idea of his friends accompanying him for full moons. It was dangerous, he was terrified at the idea of hurting them.

He felt nausea rising inside him, moving through his stomach, twirling his guts, and he sit up, resting a hand upon his mouth, his eyes still closed.

But he didn’t throw up, and so he fell back on his pillow, letting out a sigh.

He remained lying there for a moment, listening to the sounds of the early morning. A branch that touched a window near his bed in the Hospital Wing, the sound of a soft breeze moving through the curtains, and then… then he noticed someone’s breath next to him.

He forced his eyes to open, and turned his tired glance towards the source of the noise.

Sirius was lying in the bed next to him, still dressed in his robes. He was lying across the bed, his head twisted as it was only half resting on his pillow, his limbs tangled in the messy sheets.

Remus’s eyes grew wide with terror. He scanned the body of his friend and when he noticed that Sirius’s trousers were torn apart, revealing his knee…

Remus started to completely panic. What if he had bitten him? What if Sirius was seriously hurt? His friends had never gone to the Hospital Wing because of the full moon before…

“Sirius?”

He tried to call his friend, but his voice was both hoarse and raspy and came out as a dry whisper.

“Sirius?” he called again after he had cleared his throat, speaking a little louder.

The boy didn’t move. Although, judging by the rhythm of his breathing, he wasn’t asleep.

It was as if he was avoiding Remus…

“Sirius? Sirius!”

Slowly, he opened his eyes.

They were red and swallowed, as if he hadn’t slept at all that night, black circles darkening the skin under his eyes.

He looked like he had been crying.

“Sirius, are you okay?!” Remus asked, completely terrified.

But his friend nodded reassuringly.

“Did I hurt you last night?” Remus insisted.

“It was just a scratch. I’m fine, Moony.”

The werewolf heaved a deep sigh, relieved. In the bed next to him, Sirius sit up.

He was hesitating. He guessed that he had to tell Remus in person what he had done the previous evening.Â  He had made a terrible mistake, and needed to face the consequences of his actions. Remus would learn about it sooner or later anyway.

Sirius knew that if he didn’t tell his friend everything now, then James and Peter would do it the very morning, and then he wouldn’t have any chance to explain the reason of his actions, he would have no chance to apologize.

But he didn’t feel like he deserved a chance…

“How are _you_ feeling?” he asked Remus.

“Like shit. I mean… more than usual,” the werewolf answered with a sigh. “Although, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I won’t go to class today though, I reckon. Could you take notes for me?”

Sirius nodded, a lump creeping up his throat as tears covered his tired grey eyes.

“Of course,” he nodded.

He didn’t have the heart to tell Remus what he had done. He couldn’t tell his best friend that he had betrayed him. He felt too ashamed for that, unworthy of the mercy Remus could show him if only Sirius explained him everything.

So the boy stood up, throwing a sad smile at Remus.

“I’ll go change and grab something to eat, I’m starving,” he said. “Will you be alright?”

“It’s not as if I wasn’t used to it,” Remus laughed.

But Sirius’s behaviour was strange enough for Remus to notice it, and as he walked to the door, Remus stopped his friend.

“Sirius, you’re sure you’re okay?” he asked, frowning slightly.

Sirius didn’t reply, and took another step towards the door.

“Sirius!”

But the boy didn’t listen to his friend and walked out of the Hospital Wing, limping slightly because of his still painful knee.

Remus tried to sit up, but his head was immediately spinning, and nausea was back messing with his stomach and… he just couldn’t sit up. So he let himself fall back on his pillows again, and heaved one more sigh.

James and Peter would probably tell him everything anyway…

————————————————————————————————

When he stepped into the dormitory, Sirius took a deep breath before diving. He knew he was about to have to face James’s wrath again.

The second he entered the room, Peter’s and James’s eyes were fixed upon him.

Sirius walked straight to his bed, not throwing a single glance to his two friends. He was still hoping to walk in, grab his bag and some clean clothes and to walk out of the room again.

He reached his bed, grabbed his books, his bag, some clean clothes that he put in his bag in a hurry, and turned around…

…to find himself face to face with James.

Sirius froze.

“What are you doing here?” James spat.

“I’m just grabbing my books, and some clothes.”

“Have you seen Remus this morning?”

Sirius nodded slowly.

“Did you tell him what you’ve done?” James asked.

But Sirius shook his head.

“He wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t want to upset him.”

“How considering,” James spat in a bitter tone.

Sirius clenched his jaw.

“You’re going to tell him,” the boy told his friend, and his voice was commanding. “Sirius, you’re going to tell him what you’ve done. He needs to know.”

“I know, but he really didn’t feel well…”

“If you don’t do it before Remus comes back here, I’ll do it myself. But either way, he’s gonna learn how you’ve betrayed him.”

Sirius nodded, holding his brother’s glare.

“Sounds fair enough,” he replied.

James finally moved to let Sirius pass, and the boy hurried out of the dormitory.

Peter watched as James walked slowly to the window, and it seemed for a moment that he was merely looking out by the window.

But then Peter heard him sniffing…

———————————————————————————————–

All day long, Sirius remained sitting as far from James and Peter as possible. He knew it was safer to keep his distance.

He had decided to attend all of his classes that day, and to take complete notes for Remus, so he paid attention and noted everything down, all day long. He would go see the werewolf right after diner and confess everything.

Everyone had noticed the boy’s strange behaviour. And most of them had noticed the sorrowful look in his eyes as well.

When he sat on his own at diner, planting his fork in his food repeatedly without carrying it to his mouth, Lily couldn’t take any more of it. Alright, she didn’t like the Marauders much, but Sirius really did look miserable.

So when she walked towards the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall that night, she didn’t stop at her usual spot next to Alice and Frank. She walked past her friends, and went to sit opposite Sirius.

The boy frowned hard freezing.

“Can I do something for you, Evans?” Sirius asked.

“I was about to ask you if _I_ could do something for you actually, Black.”

“Really?”

Marlene sat next to her ginger friend, smiling at Sirius.

“Are you okay?” she asked the boy softly.

“Of course,” he answered, looking down at his plate.

But none of the girls were convinced.

“You want to talk about it?” Marlene proposed.

“I’m fine,” he replied, mumbling under his breath.

He took a mouthful of potatoes, but he seemed to struggle to swallow it.

“What happened between you and the other guys?” Lily asked slowly.

Sirius shook his head, and when he spoke again, he was careful at not sounding insulting or rude.

“I appreciate the fact that you’re worrying about me. Really, I do. But I’m fine, and what’s going on between me and the guys is none of your business.”

“It’s okay to need help sometimes, you know?” the ginger girl insisted.

“I don’t need your help, Evans. Nor yours, McKinnon. You can’t help anyway…”

The two girls exchanged a glance, but shrugged.

“Can we stay with you for supper? Or do you prefer to be left alone?”

Sirius didn’t answer at first, and the two Gryffindor girls were about to rise from the bench again when he spoke once more, his voice just a whisper.

“No, you can stay.”

So the girls, remained there and ate, trying to bring a smile to Sirius’s lips. When Marlene finally managed to make his lips twitch, she couldn’t help but let out a cry of victory.

“Merlin! I thought we would never be able to make you smile!” she told Sirius, making him chuckle. “And now a laugh!”

“That was a chuckle, McKinnon. Don’t get overexcited.”

“Come on, give me a smile, Black,” she teased, poking him with her fork to make him react. “You’re more handsome with a smile on your face.”

“What now? I’m handsome, McKinnon?”

She rolled her eyes, but he was finally smiling.

He peered over the spot where his friends had been sitting. But his eyes grew wide in horror as he noticed that they were already gone…

Then they would go tell Remus first, and things would be even worst…

Sirius jilted upright, standing in a hurry, and started towards the door, shouting a ‘sorry’ to the two Gryffindor girls who remained there, frowning hard.

But he couldn’t care about the two girls he was leaving behind. He had to go to the dorms before it was too late.

He ran up the magical stairs, through the Common Room, and up the staircase that led to the boys’ dormitories.

But as he heard loud voices speaking inside, he knew he was too late.

He stopped before the wooden door, and listened for a while.

“I don’t believe you, that’s insane!” Remus shouted.

“It’s true though,” James’s voice answered.

“Sirius would never do that… He… He can’t do that.”

“And yet, he did.”

“But why would he do that?”

“No idea. He was drunk though. Very drunk.”

“Merlin… What if Snape spoke? What if… What if I had killed him…”

“Remus, calm down. You didn’t hurt anyone. Snape is safe, and Dumbledore made sure that he wouldn’t tell a soul about your secret. So relax, and take a deep breath.”

“Don’t you dare tell me to fucking calm down again…”

“Moony…”

“I can’t believe he could do that…”

Sirius clenched his jaw, finally resting his hand on the doorknob.

He took a deep breath. He could feel that he was shaking from head to toe.

He turned the doorknob, and opened the door.

The three Gryffindors instantly turned towards him. Remus was pale as sheets, obviously upset as he sat on his bed. James still had this anger burning in his hazel eyes, his hair messier than ever. Peter was sitting on the end of his bed, merely watching the scene with a saddened expression on his face.

But they all turned to Sirius as he stepped into the room.

Remus stood up quickly.

“Tell me it’s not true,” he told Sirius, his voice somewhere between anger, begging and astonishment.

“It’s true though,” Sirius said slowly. “I’m so sorry, Remus…”

But the werewolf shook his head, a horrified expression on his face.

“No, I know you didn’t do that.”

“I was drunk, Remus. I was very drunk, and upset, and I didn’t think…”

“You told Snape about… me. Sirius do you realize…?”

“Yes, I do,” Sirius interrupted his friend. “I do, and I’m sorry. Remus, you can’t imagine how sorry I am. But I was drunk, and desperate and Snape arrived asking tons of questions about you and I just… I didn’t think.”

“I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!” Remus shouted, his voice a scream now, his eyes filled with tears, and Sirius had never seen his friend like this before, he was near hysteria. “I COULD HAVE KILLED JAMES! I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU!”

“I know, I’m sorry…”

“Sorry? SORRY?!”

“Remus…”

“How could you do this to me?!”

Sirius looked down at the ground, his shoulders bending under the weight of his shame and sorrow.

“I’m so sorry, Remus.”

James took a step towards his best friend, his brother…

But there were things that even a brother couldn’t forgive. And betrayal was one of them.

James felt like Sirius had betrayed them. He had revealed Remus’s secret and put him in danger… and betrayal was the highest dishonour for James. It was one of the rare things he just couldn’t forgive, even if it was Sirius.

When he spoke again, his voice was terribly cold.

“You can’t stay in the dorm.”

Sirius looked up at him, but his expression was blank somehow.

“I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay in the dorm. Take your stuff and get the fuck out of here.”

Sirius nodded slowly, not even trying to argue or to defend himself, and walked to his bed, trying to grab as many things as he could. He could feel James’s glare resting upon the back of his neck, and the upset expression on Remus’s face as he had started to cry and shake, and Peter’s glance who was merely watching him as he couldn’t really believed that all of this was happening.

Sirius hurried up. He had to escape from this room… it was more than he could bear…

His world was crumbling down, and it was all his fault.

He strode out of the room, slowing down as he walked before Remus, but he didn’t stop. He reckoned that all that he could do now would only make things worse. So he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

He walked down the stairs, carrying his cloths and books and quills and bottles of ink and parchments in his arms, and he almost fell twice.

When he finally reached the Common Room, he didn’t know what to do.

Where was he supposed to go?

He couldn’t possibly sleep outside on the grounds. The Astronomy Tower? Someone would probably find him there. The Kitchens? No way the House Elves would let him do that. The Room of Requirement? It actually sounded like a good idea, but when he started towards the portrait hole, he suddenly realized that he didn’t have the strength to carry all his things there, not after such a day. For a moment, he thought he would just crumble down on the carpet of the Common Room.

He managed to reach the large and comfortable sofa, although most of his belongings fell to the ground, the loud noise shaking the silent tower.

But Sirius didn’t mind all of his stuff splayed on the floor. Now that he was sitting, he reckoned that he couldn’t summon enough strength to stand again.

He was feeling tears forming at the corner of his eyes when he heard footsteps coming from the girls’ dormitories, and he struggled to swallow back his pain.

Lily and Marlene both walked cautiously towards him, looking at all the things that laid in a mess before the fireplace.

They both cautiously looked at him.

“They kicked you out of the dorm?” Lily asked softly.

Sirius nodded.

“You’re going to sleep here then?” Marlene asked him.

He shrugged.

“Where else could I sleep?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

The two girls exchanged a glance. They couldn’t possibly leave him alone like this…

“I’ll get blankets,” Lily said, and Marlene nodded, picking up her wand to put of bit more of order through the room.

“You don’t have to do that,” Sirius tried to stop them, but Lily was already gone, and Marlene had already pronounced the right spell, Sirius’s belongings now all organized in piles.

She sat down next to him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked kindly.

But he shook his head.

“You should go to bed, I’m fine,” he mumbled.

She merely rolled her eyes in response, and didn’t move a finger, still staring at him, while he watched the flames dancing in the hearth.

Lily came back quickly, bringing several blankets.

“I’ll stay, it’s okay,” Marlene told her, and Lily nodded, giving her the covers.

“No, I’m fine,” Sirius tried to protest, but even him couldn’t find his voice convincing.

The truth was, he didn’t want to be alone. He had been alone all his childhood, he couldn’t bear loneliness anymore. Now more than ever, after all that had happened…

Lily rested her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her.

“I’m sure it’s going to be okay, Sirius. Things will soon be back to normal, you’ll see. Potter is such an idiot after all!”

Sirius gave her a weak but thankful smile.

“Not as much as I am,” he breathed.

They exchanged a sad smile, and she walked back to her bed she longed so much for.

Next to Sirius, Marlene had draped a blanket over her laps, and was handing Sirius one warm cover as well.

“Do you want us to talk?” she asked him, but he shook his head.

There was a short silence, before Marlene would speak again.

“Do you want a hug?”

Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle, despite how tight his throat was as he struggled to refrain his tears.

“I really must look like shit for you to offer to give me a hug,” he replied with a smile.

“Oh, come on. You’re not that bad,” she smiled.

“No, you neither.”

“So? A hug? It does help when something hurts, you know?”

Sirius shrugged.

“I guess it must be true.”

“You sound like a guy who definitely needs to be hugged more often.”

He chuckled again, and this time a tear escaped his eye and he couldn’t control it as it rolled down his cheek.

“I probably do, yeah,” he nodded, his voice hoarse.

She extended her arms towards him.

“Come on, you need it,” she said softly.

He looked intensely at her, his beautiful grey eyes drowned in tears.

“If you knew what I’ve done, you wouldn’t offer me a hug. You would slap me in the face,” he said bitterly.

“What did you do?” she asked, her arms falling back by her sides.

“I betrayed my best friends,” he answered, his voice shaking.

She nodded slowly.

“How so?” she asked.

“I revealed a secret and… I endangered them. Physically I mean.”

She gave him a sad smile.

“Well, you didn’t betray _me_ , right?”

He shook his head, and she opened her arms to him again.

“Then I can give you a hug even if you fucked up.”

He smiled, before letting himself fall into her arms.

She had wrapped her arms around him, covering him with a blanket, and she gently stroked his hair in a soothing gesture that immediately calmed him down.

He closed his eyes, his head resting in the crook of her neck.

He was clinging on her as if his life depended on it.

After a while, she noticed that he was shaking, and soon his whole body trembled as he let out a silent sob.

She merely held him more tightly against her. She reckoned that merely being there while he cried was enough.

And indeed it was enough.

It was already near morning when they finally feel asleep, the two of them still enlatangled into the other’s limbs.


	4. At The Breaking Of Dawn

When she woke up that morning, Sirius was already gone. Marlene stretched her weary limbs, letting out a groan, her feet escaping the warm blanket and hitting the cold air. Her back and neck were aching because of the uncomfortable position she had slept in and it took her a moment to be able to rise from the sofa. The fire in the hearth had died a long while ago, and the room was colder than usual. All of Sirius’s stuff were gone and she wondered where he was. But then she noticed a little piece of parchment on the table before the mantelpiece.

She picked it up, and recognized the elegant writing in a second.

_Thank you_

She smiled, folding Sirius’s note and putting it in her pocket.

She walked up the girls’ staircase and found all the Gryffindor girls already awake, getting ready to head for the Great Hall for breakfast.

“So? Sirius?” Lily asked immediately as her friend walked into the room.

But Marlene shrugged.

“He was gone when I woke up,” she said.

“And last night?”

“He cried. Then we fell asleep.”

“It looks bad…”

“Maybe we should give him a hand.”

“How?”

“First, we need to learn what happened. I’ll try to talk with Sirius again. Could you try with Remus… or James?”

Lily winced.

“Potter’s your friend.”

“James won’t tell me anything if he knows I helped Sirius last night. If he’s really mad at Black, then he won’t talk to anyone who is kind to the poor boy.”

“Poor boy?”

“Oh, Lils, shut up! You’re James’s weakness. Time for it to get useful.”

“I feel like a piece of meat you’re trying to trade.”

“Lils. Come on, have you ever seen Sirius crying before?”

The ginger girl shook her head slowly.

“Alright, I’ll talk to them,” she sighed. “But Sirius is going to owe me one…”

“Come on, play the charming lady for me, would you?”

“Same, Marls, same.”

The two girls giggled, Marlene taking some clean clothes and heading towards the bathroom.

They had some work to do…

———————————————————————-

Sirius didn’t go to the Great Hall to eat that morning. He wasn’t hungry anyway. Perhaps it was because he had barely slept the previous night, perhaps it was because of this lump he had in his throat as he tried to keep his composure.

But the truth was… he was broken. He had been broken before, but it was a new way to be torn into pieces and somehow this way felt much worse.

He wasn’t angry at the three Gryffindor boys for being mad at him though. He wasn’t mad at Remus for shouting at him, he wasn’t mad at Peter for remaining silent, he wasn’t mad at James for making him leave the dorm. It was against himself that Sirius was mad. He wished he could punch himself in the face, he would have deserved it…

He wandered through the school for a while, waiting for the time to go to class to come. He didn’t want to see anyone. He wanted to be left alone, he didn’t feel like he deserved to talk to anyone anyway…

But he was walking through a corridor on the second floor when he heard the sound of footsteps hurrying behind him.

“Mr. Black,” Dumbledore called after him, and Sirius stopped walking, waiting for the elder wizard to join him.

“Can I do something for you, Professor?”

Sirius’s expression was neutral. His grey eyes had their usual defying glint alit in them, his voice was not shaking, his chin was high…

But his jaw was clenched and his hands were shaking…

“I would need to speak to you, let’s go to my office.”

“I have to go to class…”

“I’ll make a note for your teacher. Minerva won’t hold it against you.”

So Sirius followed the Headmaster as they walked through the school towards the Wizard’s office. And all the while, Sirius had this terrible feeling in his stomach…

What if the elder man had changed his mind and was about to expel him?

As he walked up the stony staircase, Sirius’s head was spinning.

Where would he go then, if he couldn’t remain in Hogwarts? He couldn’t possibly go to Grimmauld Place, his parents’ trap would close upon him. And after what had happened, he couldn’t go to the Potters…

Dumbledore invited his student to seat opposite him before his large wooden desk covered with quills, parchments and strange objects. He noticed the boy’s nervousness, and gave him a small smile.

“How do you feel today?” he asked softly, crossing his hands on his desk before him.

“I’m fine, professor” Sirius lied.

But Sirius had become good at lying. It was the only way to survive in Grimmauld Place.

Dumbledore silently stared at the dark-haired boy before him for a moment. He studied his clenched jaw, and determined glint in his intense glance… and he felt saddened to see a man already hurt hidden behind the boy he should have been.

Perhaps it was this hidden part of him that always refused to ask for help, even when he needed it most.

“I went to see your parents,” Dumbledore said slowly.

Sirius’s eyes grew wide, and he flinched.

“What?” he breathed.

“I went to see your parents,” the old Wizard repeated. “About this letter they sent you.”

Sirius was frozen on the spot, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t move. He could hardly breathe.

“It appears that it was just a misunderstanding. No need to worry yourself about this anymore, Sirius.”

Sirius’s jaw dropped.

“But…” the boy stuttered. “How did you convince them…?”

“It was just a misunderstanding.”

“With all due respect, professor… I know my parents. I know it wasn’t a ‘misunderstanding’ at all. So how did you convince them to drop this idea of theirs?”

Dumbledore didn’t answer for a moment, but the defying glint was back in Sirius’s eyes, and he knew the boy would not change the topic of their conversation easily.

“Let’s say… that everyone has things to hide. And that I know a few things your parents would not like the rest of the Wizarding World to learn…”

Sirius nodded slowly.

“Thank you, sir,” Sirius breathed.

“Sometimes, it’s good to ask for help.”

Sirius nodded again.

“How is Mr. Lupin?” Dumbledore asked.

But Sirius looked down at his shoes.

“He’s fine,” he merely mumbled through gritted teeth.

“He will need time, that’s all.”

Sirius suddenly stood up.

“Thank you for your help, professor. But I have to head to class now.”

“Of course.”

He let the boy hurry out of the office. Because Sirius didn’t want this look of pity that he could see on the Headmaster’s face. He didn’t need Dumbledore to give him comforting words, hollow words that rang meaningless to his young ears. Things were not okay. Things would not be okay. Remus was not about to brush his mistake away and give him a hug and give him chocolate frogs to wash his sorrow away. And Sirius knew it, and he hated lies.

Dumbledore remained sitting at his desk for a moment, staring blankly at the door Sirius had closed behind him. And he wondered for a moment, what would happen next. How Sirius would fit in the game of chess the world was setting for him. After all…

This boy was too wild…

———————————————————————–

Marlene had looked for Sirius before she had to head for her first class of the day, but she couldn’t find him anywhere. She heaved a sigh as she let herself fall down on the chair next to Lily.

“Did you find him?” the ginger girl asked her friend.

“Nope,” Marlene shook her head. “I don’t know where he is. Have you talked to James yet?”

Lily shook her head, blushing slightly.

“Lily, it’s just James.”

“It’s _Potter_!”

Marlene rolled her eyes.

“I’ll talk to him later today, I promise,” Lily swore, trying to change the subject of their conversation.

But Sirius suddenly hurried into the classroom. He looked around the class, not walking to occupy the vacant seat next to Peter. He threw a disgusted glance at the only empty chair left that was set next to his cousin. But after a few more looks all around the classroom, he heaved a sigh, and walked slowly towards the chair…

Marlene literally pushed Lily off the chair.

“What are you doing?!” Lily protested.

“You leave your seat, and you go sit with the boys,” Marlene ordered.

“Are you mad?!”

“So that _I_ can talk with Sirius, and _you_ can talk with Peter or James.”

They both looked at Sirius who still stood next to the door, unwilling to seat next to the girl he hated so much.

“I hate you. Both you and Black,” Lily heaved a sigh, picking up her bag and walking across the classroom.

When he saw her approaching, James immediately ran a hand through his already-messy dark hair, a crooked smirk on his face.

“Hey, Evans. Can I do anything for you?”

“Marlene is getting on my nerves,” the girl lied. “Do you mind if I sit here?”

“Of course not,” James grinned, nudging Remus so that he would give his seat to Lily, and the werewolf rolled his eyes.

But he stood up anyway and sat next to Peter, and Lily let herself fall in the chair next to James.

“How are you today, Evans?” James asked, running a hand through his hair again, and Lily struggled not to roll her eyes.

“Well, Marlene is worried about your friend and she’s getting on my nerves,” she said slowly.

James’s smile immediately disappeared, and he looked down at the blank parchment before him.

“You mean my former friend,” he said coldly.

“What happened between all of you?”

“None of your business,” he mumbled.

She frowned hard.

“Wow, perhaps I should go sit back with Marlene, you seem in a mood as bad as hers…”

“No!” James exclaimed, looking at her again. “You don’t have to. I’m in a marvelous mood!”

“What happened with Black?” Lily asked again.

James clenched his jaw, but he seemed to be sadder than angry.

“Let’s say that he betrayed us.”

“Betrayed? That’s a strong word.”

“That’s what he did though.”

She looked at Remus and Peter, but they were both clenching their jaws and looking down at the ground.

“What did he do exactly?”

“He revealed a secret that wasn’t his to tell,” Remus breathed though gritted teeth.

“And he almost get us all killed,” James added, leaning in his chair, and his hazel eyes were full of anger now.

Lily nodded slowly, feeling that she wouldn’t be able to get more information from them.

On the other side of the classroom, while the red-head was sitting with the three Gryffindor boys, Marlene smiled at Sirius, silently inviting him to sit next to her. And the boy didn’t hesitate for long, and quickly strode to sit next to the blond girl.

“Thanks,” he sighed, sitting in the chair next to Marlene.

“You’re welcome.”

“Why is Evans sitting next to James?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow in surprise at the sight of the ginger girl sitting next to his best friend…

… or he guessed that he should get to the idea that James was his _former_ best friend.

“I asked her to,” Marlene answered matter-of-factly.

“Why?” Sirius asked the blond girl, turning to her again.

“Because I felt too bad letting you sit next to this bitch,” she answered, nodding towards Bellatrix Black.

Sirius stared at her for a moment.

“Thanks,” he breathed, his voice shaking and barely audible.

“It’s nothing, really.”

“Why are you so kind all of a sudden though?”

“You look miserable,” she answered earnestly, making a small smile appear on his lips.

“I’ll take it as a compliment,” he joked.

“Don’t you want to talk about what happened?”

But Sirius shook his head.

“I fucked up,” he said, clenching his jaw. “I’m just getting what I deserve.”

“You’re so hard on yourself.”

“No, just realistic and honest.”

“I’m sure things will get better.”

“Probably.”

But she could see that he didn’t believe a word she said, so she decided to change the subject of their conversation, trying to bring back the mischievous smile that usually decorated the boy’s features.

She turned towards Lily and the two girls exchanged a saddened glance, none of them able to learn what had happened. They just hoped the crisis would soon be over, and that in a few days, the mischief makers would be laughing together again…

————————————————————————–

Days turned into weeks. Weeks during which Sirius slept in the Common Room or the Room of Requirement. Weeks during which the boy spent hours and hours alone. After a few days, he was even flying Marlene, Lily and Alice. Most of the time, he sneaked some food from the Kitchens, but didn’t join the rest of the Gryffindors to eat. During classes his expression was stern, and even Marlene had to admit that he was good at hiding his sorrow. But his grey eyes were constantly darker than usual, and whenever he saw one of the Gryffindor boys, his jaw clenched and he threw shameful glances at his feet.

There hadn’t been any prank in Hogwarts since the incident, and it was rare to hear any of the four mischief makers laugh.

After a month, the atmosphere was so heavy with sadness that Marlene, Lily and Alice decided to take the matter into their own hands. The boys needed to talk this thing out, and they had to do it as quickly as possible.

So they set up a devilish little plan to trap the boys.

While Marlene was convincing Sirius to join her by the Lake later that afternoon to help her practice her Charms, Alice and Lily lured Remus near the Lake in pretend to need his help with their DADA essay.

And Sirius was annoyed as he waited all alone, standing by the lake, the fierce wind caught in his hair and making dark locks collide with his cheeks. Marlene was late…

He heaved another sigh, checking his watch again, but she was almost fifteen minutes late. He turned towards the calm waters, watching as the wind drew crazy forms on the surface, the liquid as grey at the clouds far above it.

He suddenly heard the sound of footsteps coming his way, and he spun around, ready to tease Marlene for being late… but he froze at the sight of Remus walking slowly towards him.

The two boys stared at each other in silence for a while, as Remus stopped a few feet away from Sirius.

Finally, Remus cleared his throat.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his tone neutral.

“Marlene asked me to help her to practice for Charms,” Sirius answered softly.

“Lily and Alice asked me to help them with their DADA essay.”

“I can go wait for her further away,” Sirius proposed, clearly uncomfortable.

But Remus looked around him, and he sighed as there was no sign whatsoever of any of the girls.

“I think they won’t come,” the werewolf answered. “I reckon they just… wanted us to talk.”

“A trap?”

“Probably.”

Sirius didn’t dare to move, speak… he could barely dare to breathe. At least Remus wasn’t shouting at him. They hadn’t spoken since the day Sirius had been kicked out of the dorm.

Remus buried his hands in his pockets.

“How are you?” he asked softly, his brown eyes set on Sirius’s grey ones.

“Fine,” Sirius mumbled in response, mimicking his friend and hiding his hands in his pockets so that Remus would not see that they were shaking. “How are you?”

“Not fine.”

Sirius clenched his jaw.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, his eyes already filled with salty tears. “Remus…”

“I don’t understand why you did that…. even now…”

“I was drunk.”

“Why did you drink?”

Sirius looked down at the wet grass at his feet.

“I received a letter from my parents and… I couldn’t see any solution… so…”

“So you decided that it was a good idea to drown your sorrow in alcohol and reveal my secret to one of the people we hate the most here, instead of talking to us about it and letting us help?”

“I never said that I was particularly clever that day.”

“You should have talked to us about it. We would have found something _together_.”

Sirius shrugged.

“You couldn’t help.”

“What was it? What were your parents up to again?”

“They wanted to organize an arranged marriage.”

Remus’s eyes grew wide.

“What?!” he breathed.

“With some… girl from a family they find respectable… it doesn’t matter.”

“It does! We need to do something… I’ll look in the books of laws in the Library, I’m sure it’s not even legal.”

Sirius looked up at his friend, a small smile appearing on his lips, shining withheld tears in his eyes.

“Dumbledore went to see them. I told him why I was so drunk that night, and he insisted on reading my parents’ letter. He went to see them… apparently he kind of blackmailed them, but it worked.”

Remus heaved a relieved sigh.

“Thank Merlin…”

Sirius stared at him again. The full moon was approaching, it was easy to notice the first signs of exhaustion that went with this time of the month on Remus’s face. When he spoke again, Sirius’s voice was shaking, as if he couldn’t keep his composure anymore, as if he didn’t care about keeping this neutral mask now, and slowly, his neutral expression crumbled and turned into a begging one.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Sirius said, before sniffing. “I’m so sorry. I would take it back if I could… I just… Snape kept on asking me questions about you and… I didn’t think. I didn’t think, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Rem… of all of us, you’re the kindest one without a doubt, and you don’t deserve to suffer so much… I’m sorry. It’s okay, if you won’t talk to me again. I understand. I deserve it.”

Remus stared at the boy before him for a moment, and there were tears in his eyes as well…

“I wanted to talk to you… I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now,” Remus said slowly. “But James didn’t want me to… he’s mad. He’s still mad at you, but I’m… I’m not mad. Not anymore. And now that I know everything, I’m really not mad I just… I just regret that you didn’t come to ask for help. Because that’s what friends are made for. They are here to help each other. But I’m not mad and to be honest… I miss you.”

Sirius smiled.

“I miss you too, Rem. I miss the three of you.”

They were staring at each other again. But all of a sudden, they hurried towards the other, and they crumbled into each other’s arms.

“I’m so sorry… Remus, forgive me. I’m so sorry. If only I could take it back…”

“It’s okay. You’re forgiven. Sirius, you’re forgiven.”

They were both crying, but they didn’t seem to care. It felt good not to feel alone anymore.

Remus started to chuckle.

“What is it?” Sirius asked, looking at his friend again.

“You’re really a pain in the arse… I can never stay mad at you.”

They both laughed. They laughed as tears rolled down their cheeks.

They hadn’t felt so happy since the last full moon…

————————————————————————–

When he saw Remus and Sirius walking through the Entrance Hall, laughing and chatting together merrily, James couldn’t believe his eyes. He blinked several times, but the vision of the two boys laughing didn’t disappear.

He couldn’t believe it…

He strode towards Sirius, and the boy froze, reading so much anger in those hazel eyes…

“James…”

But he didn’t have any chance to add a word, as James pressed him against the closest wall, holding him by the collar.

“What do you think you’re doing!?” James roared.

“Prongs, stop it!” Remus protested, grabbing James’s arm.

“Don’t tell me you forgive him! He betrayed you, he betrayed all of us!”

“I do. Prongs, let go of him, for Merlin’s sake!”

Remus struggled against James, and finally made him let go of Sirius, who remained motionless, his back still pressed against the wall.

“I’m tired of it, Prongs. All of it!” Remus said, and this time he was the one roaring.“I’m tired of you being all depressed, because don’t deny it, you miss Pads as well.”

James looked down at the ground, but Sirius kept on staring at him.

“I’m tired of this atmosphere going on. I want things to be back to normal,” Remus went on, his voice shaking slightly. “I want to enter the dorm with the two of you scattering all your stuff around the room, I want to stay up all night planning pranks with you, I want to keep creating the Marauders Map, I want to have these stupid talks we always end up having at three in the morning, I… I want things to be back to normal, because all of this is driving me insane and… I’m not angry anymore, James. I’m just sad. And we all know that it’s not worth it. You’re just being stubborn, but it’s not worth it, it hurts.”

James and Sirius exchanged a glance.

“I can’t forgive you for that… you betrayed us and… Remus, he could have…”

“I know, James. It’s okay,” Sirius nodded, resting a hand on Remus’s shoulder when the boy tried to protest. “You’re right. You’re right, none of you should forgive me.”

“Sirius, that’s bullshit,” Remus replied. “You’re just punishing yourself.”

“I deserve it.”

“I reckon we all suffered long enough about this. I want all my friends to be back in my life.”

Remus turned to James again.

“Stop being a stubborn arse, and give him a hug!”

Sirius couldn’t help but laugh, and Remus soon joined him, closely followed by Peter. And James slowly smiled.

“I want Sirius to come for the full moon this week,” Remus said firmly, once everyone had stopped laughing.

“Are you sure?” James asked softly.

“Yeah. Prongs…”

But Sirius walked to James, and they stared at each other for a moment.

“Please, give me another chance,” Sirius asked softly. “James… you’re my brother. Please… you three are the only family I have, and you know it. I can’t do that. I can’t hold on without you all. You know I would do anything for you. I wasn’t myself that night and I made a mistake, a terrible mistake… But you know that I would do anything… I would die for the three of you, you know it. You’re my family. James…”

Sirius’s voice broke, but James didn’t say a word. Instead, a small smile appeared on his lips.

“I don’t know for you all, but I’m starving. Want to go down to the Kitchens?”

“Sure!” Remus nodded happily.

The three boys started towards the staircase, but Sirius remained still. Until James turned around.

“You’re coming, Pads?”

A grin formed on Sirius’s face.

“Sure, Prongs.”

He hurried after his friends, James and him exchanging a smile.

Peter patted Sirius’s shoulder.

“It’s good to have you back, Padfoot.”

“It’s good to be back, Wormtail.”

——————————————————————–

The next morning, when Marlene, Lily and Alice heard the loud waves of laughter echoing through the corridor as they waited in the dungeons for professor Slughorn to arrive, they knew their plan had worked. They hadn’t seen the boys the night before, nor at breakfast, and for a moment, they were afraid to have only made things worse. But now they were hearing the familiar combination of their four laughs and they exchanged a proud smile.

The boys finally appeared in the corridor, and Sirius’s smile doubled in size at the sight of the girls standing there, before the door of the classroom. When his three friends stopped to wait a few feet away from the door, he walked towards the three girls.

“So? Are things back to normal?” Marlene asked him quickly.

“Yeah. And I reckon it’s you three that I need to thank.”

“You owe us a big deal, Black,” Alice joked.

Sirius grinned.

“I reckon that… I really do. Thank you.”

“It’s okay, Sirius,” Lily smiled, brushing his remark away. “As long as you keep Potter away from me, I’m fine.”

They all laughed, and Sirius looked at Marlene for a while.

“Thank you, McKinnon.”

“You’re welcome, Black. A good prank would be welcome though.”

“Marls!” Lily protested, but Sirius let out one of his bark-like laughs.

“How could I disappoint, McKinnon?” Sirius winked. “I would advise you not to enter the classroom before the Slytherins though,” he added, before turning around and joining the rest of the Gryffindor boys again.

“Oh no…” Lily moaned.

“Cheer up! It’s a good sign, Lils.”

Slughorn arrived quickly after, and the three girls let the Slytherins enter first.

The next second, Bellatrix Black was running out of the room, shrieking, chased by a pig…

Marlene broke into laughter.

The Marauders were definitely back…


End file.
